“How do you balance work and motherhood?” It’s a question I imagine a lot of writer-moms have come to dread.
There’s a great running joke about it in Rebecca Makkai’s I Have Some Questions For You, in which the protagonist, away from home teaching a course, is repeatedly asked where her children are—she replies alternately with the truth (with their father) and deadpan lines about how she’s left them with various snack foods to fend for themselves.
There’s a Certain Famous Literary Writer who speaks in interviews about her family with an almost contractual coolness—she agreed to birth the children, and her partner agreed to take it from there.
Lately, I’ve also seen some writer/moms refuse to answer the question at all, saying that they’ll address it when it becomes mainstream to ask the same of writer/dads.
This last sentiment in particular is one I do appreciate, because at its core, it is an unfair question. But when it comes to working moms here in the U.S. in 2024, it’s usually an unfair answer, and I feel pretty certain that not talking about that isn’t going to make it go away.
In my own experience, the role of birthing parent so often translates to “default parent” in part because of physical nature of motherhood—the initial growing of the human, and the the extremely time-consuming job of nursing that human.
But even after those jobs are done the echoes of those routines can be hard to break, inside the home and out. And anyway, as moms or or those in mom roles who haven’t experienced the physical portions of the job well know, the societal assumptions, expectations, and oppressions perpetuated by our regressive patriarchy exist regardless.
Here’s the other thing, though: I wanted kids. I didn’t want to birth them and hand them off to my partner to raise. For me, the reason being a parent is often so time-intensive (and yes, at the expense of my work) is because I like hanging out with them. That’s not to say it isn’t also hard or frustrating , or that I don’t feel the heat of deadlines, or that I absolutely feel mentally gross when I go too long without writing. But I think the thing that so often gets lost in this discussion is that the hard part is often also the good part.
There’s a great book called The Baby on the Fire Escape about the tension between making art and family, and a joint effort by the author Julie Philips quoting Margaret Mead really puts it best: “It’s ‘not because the baby cries, but because the baby smiles so much’ that the hours get lost.”
Too often in these conversations about “balance,” parenting or otherwise, our lives get framed as something that gets in the way of our work. But I think it’s okay for a writer to want to live in the world, to participate in life, whatever that means for you.
**SIREN! This isn’t about the choice to have or not have kids. Obviously, many people who don’t have children lead awesome and fulfilling lives. Personally, I don’t think any of the “discourse” about having or not having children is meaningful, as motivations/needs/wants/experiences are so deeply individual.
What I am saying is—childrearing or not—locking ourselves up in towers to get “more work done” can be tempting as hell, and can also backfire in helping us achieve what most of us writers mean to do, which is better understand the world around us. END SIREN**
So. How do I balance writing and parenthood? On Toni Morrison’s stolen time. Little moments between making dinner and giving baths. Occasionally while giving baths, or composing paragraphs in my head in the shower, then rushing to scribble them down. Longer stretches now coming into view thanks to preschool.
Maybe the better answer, though, is that I don’t. At least not insofar as the time spent between the two jobs is equal. Probably as the kids grow, the percentages will shift, or at least ebb and flow. For now, I’m seeing language afresh through them, and that’s writing, too. And I’m learning to use the urgency inherent in these pockets of stolen time to my advantage. Under pressure, an opportunity to forge something new.
Biz Business
The One Book One Philly Kickoff is this Monday, April 8th at the Parkway Central Library 7:30PM. The event will be in ASL with English interpretation. Books will be available for purchase afterward, and/or I can sign your book. Please come say hi! Register here for free!
Check out the Free Library’s One Book site for more information on the novel, where to learn ASL, companion reads, and other programs across the city, including events about Philly’s ASL accent (April 18), Anarchist movements and beliefs (May 1), and the finale event with Ilya Kaminsky (May 22). And, scroll down to the bottom of their page for a downloadable programming guide and book club kit.